...a little personal space, is a GOOD thing

contentment : )

kisses
and some cheese!

I have had the very best day today!

It all comes down to the baby getting a little more sleep. I hate to even write it out, because I don't want it to change... : )
...but she seems to be starting to fall into a tiny bit of a routine.
On the days when she isn't ravenously hungry that is (which tends to go in bouts of two-three days).

For the last two days, I have been able to get her back to sleep in the morning, before I go and get the other kids out of their room. They have been getting up and playing nicely until I come get them, about 30 minutes later, which is pretty good I think!

The day starts off much nicer when I am actually able to eat in the morning! : ) Plus the kids get a little time with me, that isn't about Alora, which is nice for all of us! I can not tell you how much easier it is for me to just sit with her nursing, having had a little bit of time to eat, play with the kids, and even brush my teeth!

This morning she actually slept long enough to vacuum, wash and put away the dishes, AND clean the kitchen floor! I know that I can't count on her to do it every day, but I'll take it when it comes around! I think it's a little sad to be as excited as I am to do housework, but when you have absolutely no time to do anything for awhile, you become more appreciative about lots of things that seem small or silly even.

Alora is growing so fast I can't believe it! She is getting so big and awesome, too! She can focus on things very intently now. She is so alert at times, and is getting better at being by herself for small periods of time in her bouncer or the swing(looking up at her own reflection).

She smiles and smirks, and is starting to coo when she's happy and grunt when she starts to get frustrated. She can cry with the best of them, but isn't generally a grumpy baby. She has an appointment coming up on Monday, and I look forward to seeing how much she weighs now. People ask and I have no idea. I can tell she's gained though, because she now has a roll or two on her little thighs and her feet have become much chubbier, too!

An added bonus to her sleeping longer stretches of time, other then being able to breath my own air occasionally, is that we finally got a garden in!

We had Alora at a terrible time as far as having time to get out and get dirty, but we decided that we would just buy all our plants this year... and obviously she was worth the change! When we got out into the yard we were very pleased to see how amazing our compost was this year. We were able to work in enough to not have to buy any extra for the first time! We also discovered about 10 orphan tomato plants while we were weeding, that had we started earlier we surely would have not recognized and just turned under. We transplanted a few that were in bad spots and also left a couple of groups of them and will wait and see what we end up with. Last year we had only one, but it turned out to be one of our biggest producers, and this year another one popped up right in the same spot. Fun stuff!

We lost the rosemary, but the sage, oregano, lemon thyme, and summer savory all overwintered well. By the time we got out there, they were huge! I need to go out and harvest them so they don't go to seed. I am going to harvest more right now than I got at the end of last season! : ) We were able to find string beans at the store. I have always grown them from seed, so figured I wouldn't have them this year, so that was a pleasant surprise! We also bought and planted a green, yellow, and red pepper, two banana peppers, a red hot cherry and cayenne pepper, three basil, a rosemary, an early girl and celebrity tomato(which we've done well with, in the past), and an heirloom tomato we haven't tried before, as well as a bush cucumber and zucchini plant.

It won't be quite as big as last year's garden, but certainly big enough to get the benefits of stress relief and also some yummy food to harvest. I love that the kids go out and help us and really know where real food comes from. They love peppers, tomatoes, and green beans right out of the garden. It's so cool that they love raw veggies, and I think it is because of their exposure to fresh food growing in the backyard.
I am beginning to hear the pitter patter of little feet upstairs, but I am so glad that I was able to put up a post today! Hope all is well out there in bloggyland! : )

Today I am thankful that Alora is starting to mature, now let's hope it doesn't happen too fast!!
I am grateful to have a garden this year, because I wasn't sure we'd be able to pull one off this year!
I am grateful to have had an awesome day, to recharge and enjoy just about every moment of the day!! : )

7 weeks later...

Not a single post in over 7 weeks!
I can't believe it!

{ I should start by saying that this seriously started out being titled 4 weeks later.... yikes!
I might also mention that since this has taken me over 3 weeks to actually finish, it ended up getting longer than I probably "should" post... but whatever... my blog isn't about rules... it's my outlet! I now return you to your regular programming. : ) }

It is incredible how fast the time flies! I feel like I had 4 more kids instead of just one! I am often overwhelmed with the madness of it all. And I don't even mean overwhelmed in a crying heap in the corner kind of way (although I have my moments), I just mean in a holy crap, I have so many things to do in any given moment, kind of way.

I feel like things are starting, just starting to seem a little more reasonable. We made it to the park today again(sooo much fun!), and I even went and walked the reservoir last night ALL.BY.MYSELF!!! That, btw, was awesome and I am hoping to do it as often as possible.
I'd love it every day, but I'll take 3-5 days a week for now. I was only gone a half hour round trip, so I think that's pretty good. As time goes on I'll be able to leave for even longer periods of time. I look forward to that too, but for now Alora needs her a lot of Mama lovin!! : )

I wish that I was at a place that I could come on here and post more often. I miss it. But I am happy just to be able to eat right now, and occasionally get to pee by myself... but not often! : )
If I had laptop that would be nice, because then I could write the posts while nursing. But I don't have that many quiet times whiles she nurses because of the other rascals. I often make sandwiches or try to clean up while she eats out of necessity. She isn't a super crazy, every second nurser, like Sophia was, except for when she is having a growth spurt... but since that has been most of her life so far... it seems like all the time.

She is so sweet though. She is super mellow most of the time. And although she nurses often because she is still so little, she sleeps soundly at times and has the capability to completely relax, which is very cute and nice for everyone when it occurs. She smiles now and it lights up her whole face. She looks kind of grumpy when she's not smiling, just like her brother. Her birthmark, which is a lot like Sophia's, looks like an angel to me... or quite possibly a squirrel! : ) We'll see how it changes as she grows. Her sister and brother still love her beyond belief. They want to hold her and kiss her every minute of the day. For the most part Alora likes the attention, except for every once in awhile, and I guess we all want to breath our own air sometimes! : )

Let's see, what else has been going while I was away?

Since I posted about her birth A LOT of things have happened around our house... I guess that is always the case. I don't know when it happened, but somehow I turned into that annoying girl at work who ALWAYS had some kind of drama going on. You know the one I'm talking about, she always had some story and usually it wasn't her fault, but ALWAYS there was drama(even if there wasn't) to be talked about to anyone and everyone that would listen...

I honestly don't thrive on it... it just seems like there is always something going on lately. Maybe this is my karma for silently judging those girls as drama queens... I'm not sure.

So let me fill you in on our latest drama and you can judge me as you see fit! :P

A week after Alora was born, Al was putting the two middle kids to bed when he realized he had forgot to grab socks. The socks were downstairs NOT getting folded or paired or put away, because no one can fold the socks like Mama does(ahem...).
So he ran downstairs quickly to grab them. I was in my chair, nursing the baby. He had been downstairs for about 30 seconds when we heard the most horrible thunk followed by an ear piercing scream. We both ran upstairs immediately. I got there right after Al did and knew just from looking at her that Sophia was broken. I went in and tried to calm her down by hugging her(baby still at my breast) and trying to sooth her, but she was inconsolable for a few minutes. After a minute we were able to get her to stop crying and take a good look at her and I could tell by the way she held her arm that she had to go to the hospital.
It turns out that although we have rules about Roscoe not being allowed on the top bunk, Dad usually lets them get up there together right before bed, and when he ran downstairs they started to bounce on the bed(one reason for the rule). Roscoe bounced Sophia right off the bed. She fell onto her face(there was a huge bruise on her face and you could see where her entire face had just whacked the ground), she had tried to protect her face with her arm and the pressure cracked the bone. She and Dad went off to the emergency room and 4 hours later she came home with a bright orange cast on her left arm.

The worst part is that this is actually the SECOND time she broke her left arm!! I swear the neighbors think we beat her or something... The first time she and I were walking up the stairs when she slipped. I was going up behind her(5 months pregnant with Roscoe at the time), but I had my hands full of laundry and although I dropped it and tried, I wasn't able to catch her. She went right between my legs, and I actually lost my balance and almost fell right on top of her. She fell down about 4 stairs and broke her arm up by her elbow. This time the fracture is by the wrist. Poor kid! I tell her that she is going to have the strongest left arm bone of anyone she knows! : )

She, by the way, is (now) absolutely fine. She did great with the cast and it didn't seem to bother her at all. I think it bothered us more than her! The biggest problem was that she couldn't play in the mud and get completely filthy, like usual. She got the cast off on Monday and we were all excited about that! : )

The next major drama, I think, was 4 days after Sophia had broken her arm.
Alora was 2 weeks old at the time.
Al was so tired while he was driving home he fell asleep while driving home from work!! He was trying to do so much to help things run smoothly, that he forgot to take the best care of himself.
He says it felt like he closed his eyes for just a second, but that's all it takes.
He drifted over the rumple strips and into the median. The median at the point he hit was like a really tall chain link fence. He hit several before he regained control. The car was a 1999, and was determined a complete loss by the insurance company.
The truth is there was a lot of body damage(the roof, the left front end, the windshield on the left side). BUT, it was still drivable and no engine damage, so we had been hoping to get it fixed. The insurance company did give us a fair price. Blue book minus our deductible, so it worked out.

The scariest part of the whole thing, was thinking of all the "what if" situations that COULD have happened. You know like, he hit someone else.. with kids in the back... or run into the back of a truck(which there are many on his commute). That he could have been hurt badly and not been able to work.. or of course taken some one's life or lost his own life.

I feel very grateful that all that was damaged was a car. It was a reminder that everyday is precious. It was a reminder to take better care of ourselves as parents, because without us, the kids can not be ok on their own. It shook me up quite a bit, but it could have been SO much worse. We ended up going about a month with only the minivan. It cost us a bundle in gas money, and made me feel a little "stuck" in the house. Our park is close, but not close enough to walk to with three kids, one being a newborn especially! We were able to find a nice enough car for Al to use with around what we got from insurance. Bonus being, it gets great gas mileage.

We have not planted a garden this year. We just haven't been able to get it done. BUT every year for mother's day I get a hanging basket for each kid(yay me!). This year I picked up a few from the farmer's market for 1/3 of what it would have cost at Home Depot(support your local farmer's folks!!!).
Alora took a super long nap the other day and the kids and I got to plant a bunch of mixed flower pots together and had a great time! I have so many pictures I'd like to add, but it is such a pain in the butt here. I haven't even put up a single picture on flickr either.... yikes! That is probably my next miracle naptime hour.(This time the kids are ALL asleep because of our 2 hour hike/walk/feeding the ducks/playground fun today. Hopefully, the more we get out the more I get an hour of peace? Hey, I'll take it when I can get it right? : )

Alright this is already a mini-novel...
I hope that you all made it to the end! : P
I hope that you all are enjoying your own crazy lives!

Today I am grateful that my kids are all asleep right now!
I am thankful to have a family so full of life and love, without them things would be WAY too quiet! : )
I am thankful that my husband is still around to irritate the crap out of me, and be my partner in this wacky life we lead!
I am also thankful I have a few people out there who will read my mini-novels, when I actually have time to write them... if any of you did that is!!! : )

A picture journey to a new life!

It started out a pretty normal day.

We were taking a few shots of the belly to show the latest growth.

This is the belly at 40 weeks and 4 days.


While taking photos contractions hit...
nothing too intense, but enough to breath through.




Happy to have a break! : )

Little did we know that although these had been going on for the better part of two days, off and on, about 5 minutes apart for a few hours at a time.. and then stopping and starting and so on... that this time it was the real deal!

The hubby had gone up to take a bath and I was fiddling around on the computer, when I started to feel like maybe these contractions were not only still five minutes apart... but also getting a little too strong to be "practice" ones anymore. I didn't go up and tell Al until they had been going on for almost an hour... because the truth is we were all tired of false calls, but around 11:30 pm, I went up to let him know he might want to come and time them again. After about 4 more contractions I was in full toning mode, on hands and knees leaning into my ball to get through them and telling him to call in to the birth center.

We had planned on having the whole family at the birth, but the fact that it was almost midnight by the time we were headed out the door, I decided at the last minute to leave the little kids at home with Emily and just go with Al.

This is a shot of us in between contractions at about 2 in the morning.

Seconds after being born.

Seconds after being born.

Me staring in amazement just moments after giving birth to my newest little bundle of love:

Alora Dorthea Fey

April 6, 2010

4:36 AM

8 pounds 3 ounces, 19.5 inches

Daddy getting in his first hugs

Getting ready to go home and introduce little Alora to the rest of her family...

feeling a little goofy with the endorphins and endlessly amused by the monkey butt! : )

The kids meeting their new sister.

Roscoe fascinated by his new sister.

Emily holding her new sister.

Alora with the hint of a smile, swaddled and content! : )

Sophia finally gets to hold Alora!

Roscoe gets to hold his new sister, too!

A picture of us the next day.

I hope that you all can forgive the extra days to let you know that she finally arrived. Of course, now that she has, things have been hectic and amazing and busy and new... there has been a lot of love and only a little sleep!

The kids are all doing well, but there is adjusting going on.

I am feeling incredible... but the sleep deprivation wall is looming ahead in my near future, for sure! I haven't gotten more than 2 hours sleep at a time since the night before she was born, I have a hard time winding down and by the time I am ready, she is up and ready to eat all night long! I can not describe to you the joy and amazement and love I feel for her already. I already can not remember what it was like to not have her in our lives. Isn't it crazy how fast your entire world can change? : )

I hope that you all are doing well and thank you for all the positive energy and love sent our way! I hope to be able to sit down and write about her birth... it was intense and amazing and different from all the others, but for now I just wanted to share some photos and the news of her arrival!

Today I am thankful to have a beautiful new daughter to love and cherish and learn from!

A good weekend, even sans Baby Fey!

Just a quick note to let everyone know we are still waiting for Baby Fey.
We had a really great Easter. The bunny visited our house and got the kids some cool garden tools and fun stuff. We went out to brunch with my sister and her family. The food was good, the company was better, and the kids were reasonably well behaved (Roscoe IS two, so I'll take what I can get!).

We came home and I spent about an hour in a squatting position(good for getting that baby to drop down) while weeding the herb section of the garden. I am happy to say that we have returning Thyme, Lemon Thyme, Summer Savory, Oregano, and possibly Rosemary. Funny enough the Rosemary is usually the hardiest of those herbs, but the winter was hard and I may or may not of cut it back far enough... the jury is out on that one still.

After that, I got to take an hour and a half nap before being awakened by strong contractions. I had contractions every 4-5 minutes for over two and a half hours... but deep down I knew it wasn't time yet. I was 15 minutes away from calling in to the midwives when they stopped for about an hour. I am super glad I waited because it was Easter and I had really not wanted to call wolf during some one's celebrations. They started up again two more times (4-5 minutes apart) last night for about an hour each time. I am doing my best to remember that this is the way that my babies come... slowly... tortuously even... but that my labors usually go very well, and I think it is because my body does much of the getting ready process long before(real labor) actually starts.

I am feeling pretty well, even though I am not getting much rest. I continued to have strong contractions, but without much pattern throughout the night. If I was a betting woman I would say I still have about a week... but I also am HOPING that I don't... because the truth is these things are uncomfortable and often painful, and when I don't get a baby at the end of them... they don't seem as useful... although I know they are in the whole picture kind of way.

I think the thing that is the most frustrating about the waiting is that although deep down I think it will be next week... every time the contractions start I can't help but think... well maybe this IS it. It makes it hard to do much other than obsess over when Baby Fey will get here. The contractions are fairly constant at this point.

The hubby and I are doing pretty well, it is hard on everyone to wait... but I think that having re-established some connection has helped us. We continue to meditate/spend time/talk/regroup together on a daily basis and burn a candle with positive thoughts, hopes, and dreams every night. I am sure that doing this nightly is helping us to feel more and more connected and ready for this little one's arrival. There have been a moment or two of frustration between us over the last week... but not much and never explosive or really intense. I think that we are doing great, especially since we added in a major holiday and group family time into the mix! : )

I'm not sure how often I will come on before the baby gets here... there's not much new going on right now... same stuff everyday... contractions, questions, and some level of disappointment when things slow down again and then start again... and stop again... you get the point.

I hope that every one has had a nice weekend and that this beautiful weather we are having has reached your corner of the world! We had a bursting of Spring at our house with all the daffodils and 5 or 6 hyacinths coming up and blooming over the last week! I LOVE Spring so much and can't help but feel hopeful and renewed with the earth during this time of year!! : )

Today I am thankful for a beautiful weekend.
I am grateful that seriously my time as a pregnant woman is ticking down (no matter how slowly it might seem)!
I am grateful that the flowers have sprung and are scenting the air around our front porch with the most delicious scent of Spring!! : )

No baby yet....

Ok folks here's the dealio.

It's HARD to be a vessel!!
The hardest thing for me during pregnancy is the fact that although everything depends upon me... I have no real control over anything that is happening in my body. I can eat well, and exercise(which I do). I can try not to get too stressed and get enough rest(which I also do to the best of my ability)... but really there's nothing that I can do about most of the things that my body just does as part of nature. I am a vessel. It can be a beautiful thing, I got to feel all those first little flutters. I have an intimate relationship with this new little person that no one else has had the opportunity to experience yet. And although I know that the things that I do and don't put in my body make a difference in how this new little life developed and grew, when push comes to shove, I can't really control what is going on in there.

I had no power over whether or not my placenta would attach properly in the very beginning of this journey. I could not save the little embryo that wasn't meant to become a fully formed little person, in my early months. I can not force this baby to be born any sooner than it is supposed to be born. I am but a vessel. I have a huge part in this miracle of bringing new life into the world, but no control over how it goes about happening. That is a very humbling thing to accept. I must admit that it is very difficult for me. I feel such responsibility, but have no control at all to change the way that things are going... and it is a struggle for me.

I went in for my weekly checkup yesterday. I had been planning on starting a serial sweeping of my membranes. Last week things were perfectly aligned for me to be swept, but it was too early. My cervix was not effaced(thinned out) yet, but I was dilated to a good roomy 1 and we figured with my daily contractions that I would have more progress by yesterday. Also although the baby's head wasn't engaged(that never happened with my last until I was actually pushing him out) the baby was easily moved into my pelvis to put the right pressure onto my cervix to do the sweep.... last week that is.

Yesterday when I went in I was feeling a good amount of anxiety. I feel pretty torn about messing with nature and trying to push my will upon it. I have been going back and forth about doing the sweep and how comfortable I am with it. Although it isn't a chemical induction it is a "medical procedure" that can have consequences. Things like accidentally breaking the amniotic sac, which could be a big problem if labor wasn't spontaneous after that... causing a hospital birth and possible chemical intervention to help get things started.... all of which is about as far from what I would "like" my experience to be as it could be! And honestly it's not just about what I want my birth experience to be like.... it also has a lot to do with the way that I feel about birth in general. I really do believe that the least amount of tinkering with this natural process is the best. BUT, I also have this hernia repair... which tweaks and stretches in a painful way everyday at this point... so I let my fear of rupture get the best of me and "planned" this procedure. The amount of internal struggle that I was feeling over getting it done was obvious. It was obvious enough to my midwife that she wasn't sure if she should even go through with it. We talked for a bit and she left it up to me, but said it would be fine for me to NOT get it done. I waffled and discussed it some more with her and my husband but in the end, I decided yes..... let's just do it.

So I bared my bits for her to examine, not the most comfortable thing in the world. My husband was there holding my hand( the sweeping is down right painful and I wanted his support)... and then nothing! Well, not really that quickly, but I could tell something was wrong from the beginning of the exam. The midwife was able to fit only one finger inside my cervix still, so I had no more dilation over the week, and my cervix didn't efface at all yet, still. The baby's position also made it impossible to move into the pelvis, so there wasn't the right pressure and she simply couldn't do the procedure.

ACK!!!

I can not describe the amount of disappointment that I felt. I have been thinking about and anticipating this for two weeks. I have been having daily contractions for months. The night before I had gone to bed early, because I am getting so tired... only to be waken up with contractions, that although I knew were not "real" labor were strong enough that I couldn't sit still(or sleep) through them. I had to rock and walk and tone just a little to get through them. They lasted for 3 and a half hours, about every 5 minutes, sometimes every 2.
For nothing.
I know that this is the way that my body works. Every baby has come later than my due date, which is not until Friday. And all of my pregnancies have had weeks of contractions that even last time with my THIRD baby, I still convinced midwives and myself were"real"... went down to the center and had all my people ready and everything... to end up with them stopping after a few hours and not being "the real thing". It is immensely frustrating!

Yesterday after I left the office I was pretty grumpy. I was feeling disappointed... I want to hold and kiss this baby!! Plus, there is a part of me that was happy to have some kind of "time" that I would be having this baby. I knew the possibilities that I still wouldn't have the baby after the sweeping but I had honestly not considered not even getting it done. I cancelled my appointment for today because there is no point unless my cervix effaces a little bit more, and I wanted a day off of the stress. I DID NOT cancel my appointment with the midwife tomorrow, because I want to leave my options open, and that is my internal struggle right now. I have decide if I should set myself up for probable disappointment again by going in and not being able to get the sweep done. I also have to decide if it wasn't the universe helping me to see that I was going against my gut by scheduling this thing in the first place. I honestly don't know what I am going to do yet.

I am headed out to the zoo with the kids today. I will walk 2-3 miles today and I'm sure that I will have oodles of contractions because of it. It is possible that I will have effaced more by tomorrow and that even if I don't, the baby's position could be better for the sweep tomorrow... but is that what I really want to do?
I just don't know.

Blah! I will do my best not to be a ball of stress today. My goal is to not think about it at all today(ha ha) while I am out with the kids. I want to take advantage of this time with them before everything changes, but that will be a hard task for me! Not enjoying my kids... I love spending time with them... just the not being distracted part... BUT I am going to do my best. I have been spending a lot of time praying and meditating over the last amount of time, and will spend some time doing the same this evening, and hopefully I will be comfortable with my decision by tomorrow morning, which ever way I decide to go with this.

I just wanted to let everyone know what was happening in our crazy little world right now. I hope that everyone is doing well. I will let you all know if anything happens. If I have the baby I will at least put up a quick announcement... if I don't you can bet that I will back on here venting my frustration and impatience! :P

Today I am grateful that my baby is happy and healthy inside my womb.
I am grateful that I am worrying about when I will get to hold this new little person and not why this life was taken away. (I just found out that a friend who was pregnant in the beginning of my pregnancy and lost her baby, finally got pregnant again and just lost this one as well, and I DO realize how incredibly lucky and blessed we are!)
I am grateful that one way or the other I will be holding my baby very soon... no one stays pregnant forever!! : )

A better place and three days to go!

Well, the count down has made it down to three more days.
In reality there are more than likely more than that many days left to wait... but like I was saying I can't help but feel like there is a clock ticking somewhere.

We are not quite ready, but we are very, very close. We have one more load of laundry for the baby, to wash a new sheet and the new cloth diapers (for burping/spit ups and so forth... I would love to do cloth, but the reality is I don't have the patience for the laundry or mess of them.... or the money to buy the awesome covers they have now, those things are steep!!) and also to wash my wraps. Even with all the sling recalls in the news, I am still very confident in the wraps that I have. The slings that have been recalled seem to be the ones that were more about fashion and the trend of babywearing, and less about skin to skin contact. I have several wraps that I intend to use with this new little one just like the last two. I can't imagine not wearing my babies, especially in the first few weeks when they sleep so much and we are both in the adjustment period of not actually being connected to each other still. But never you fear, the baby will always be safe and in an upright position, right up next to my chin, heart to heart. I do have a sling as well(one that isn't all fluff and padding and has a lot of flexibilty for positioning), but I use that one once the baby is bigger and stronger and can sit by itself easily... or at least when it has good strong neck muscles!

Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be me getting on a soap box about babywearing! : P
I did want to come on and update everyone on my emotional and marital status. The other day when I wrote out all of my fears and anxiety onto the screen, it helped me to see how truly disconnected I had been feeling from my husband. Things between us had gotten into a negative rut, and we needed to change things up. So, I called him and reached out to him, without blame or guilt, and just told him that we needed to have some special time together. The truth is by the end of the day, with three kids and being so pregnant and his full time job... well by the end of the night we honestly don't have much left for each other. I am dead tired by the end of a day now, and with him picking up the domestic slack that I can no longer handle all of right now... he is too. So when we got everyone upstairs that night, instead of the usual collapse onto the couch with the TV turned on, we headed upstairs too. I went and took a shower while Al lit some candles in our room. We sat on our bed and rubbed oil on my belly. The baby moved around a lot and got the focus on the right thing!! We talked honestly and openly about our fears and our excitement about this impending change. We each lit a small candle and said a prayer for each other to have the strength and courage to try and live in the moment, and let go of our recent struggles to see eye to eye. It was a lovely way to reconnect and has done wonders for my state of mind and apparently his as well. We haven't fought over stupid nothings for the last two days, so something has changed for the better.
This is the hardest time of the pregnancy I think, the waiting is almost over but it isn't quite yet. All of our hopes and fears are on the forefront of our minds, all of the time. Everyone (the kids included) is ready to move on with this new chapter of our lives as a family and the waiting is becoming more and more difficult!

As for the technical aspects of having this baby things are looking pretty good. I got an internal exam last appointment(on Tuesday) and I am dilated to a super roomy one(the goal being 10 for the birth) but not effaced at all (which means my cervix is still very thick, we're going for 100% effacement). Since I that day though, I had an entire day where I felt a really strong pressure and had a hard time even walking around, the same day that I last posted actually, and I am pretty sure that I was either actively dilating or effacing that day because I was an emotional wreck as well. Now today, I feel pretty comfortable, both physically and emotionally, so I think it's pretty safe to say that there was some progress going on that day. The good news from my exam is that on Tuesday I will definitely be able to be swept (because they could have done it last Tuesday).

As I've said, I am a bundle of joy, excitement, anxiety, nervousness... everything that you can expect from someone about to have a baby in the next week or so. The one thing that I don't feel a lot of right now is fear. I am feeling really confident that no matter when I go into labor I am ready to work with my body to help this baby enter the world. I can't wait!!
I will keep you all updated as things continue to develop and change, as they are bound to do.
I hope you are all having a great weekend!

Today I am grateful that my husband and I took the time to try and reconnect.
I am grateful to have such supportive midwives (who I also talked with in my moments of darkness and fear).
I am grateful to have the beautiful family that I have, and can't wait to meet our new arrival! : )

and then there were FIVE!!!

In five days I will start the process of tyring to start labor to have this baby. Although the baby might not make an entrance that day, it has felt like some kind of deadline to me. A more definite "date" than I usually have set in my head.
I am about to have another baby. my fourth baby. and I have never felt so alone. I feel alone in a constant sea of people. I spend my time taking care of everyone else and look around for someone to take care of me... and there is no one there.
Things between my husband and I are the hardest they have ever been. We can not seem to get on the same page. My patience is nonexistent for him to catch up to where I am.
I am worried about the labor. Doing this thing without interventions is totally possible... in a loving supportive environment.
I don't feel like I have that right now.
I simply can not understand the grand plan that needed me to have this baby RIGHT NOW... when everything is so screwed up. I have working so hard this entire pregnancy towards things getting better for us.... and it feels like I have been wasting my time. things are not better.
I am hurting so badly.
I feel like I could disappear in the despair and never come back out of it.
How am I going to give all of myself and more to a newborn precious child when I feel like I have nothing to give?
How are Al and I going to make it through all the sleepless nights when we can't make it one entire day without an argument over something insignificant right now.
If I really will only be given what I can handle why do I feel like I'm drowning?
I realize that I am in the middle of ridiculous amounts of hormonal fluctuations but that doesn't mean that the issues that I am worried about aren't real.
That also doesn't mean that I'm not prone to being a little melodramatic right now. I'm struggling to express myself right now so I thought that I would just write.
This all might be too raw to publish, but my heart needs to release some of the sadness, fear, and anxiety from with in.

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the darkness consumes me.
from the depths of despair I hear nothing but the breaking of my heart.
I'm surrounded by people but could not feel more alone.
all of their movement and noise is like the buzzing of flies around my head.
I want to listen to what they are trying to tell me, but it is all I can do to try and smile and send them on their way.
I long for sleep but when I finally lay down my head I can not close my eyes.
the images inside are ugly.
I stare into the darkness of my room while tears silently soak my pillow.
my tears are a river of my fears and worries and loneliness.
the incessant snores are a constant reminder that this is my burden to bear alone.
the movement in my womb gives me comfort.
we are in this together.
but this new partnership is the cause of so many of my fears.
how can I possibly be enough for this new little life?
how will I be able to do this alone?

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I walked away after writing that poem and think that it actually made me feel a little better. I am still undecided if this will ever see the light of my actual blog.
It is so raw. My heart on the screen.
I cry when I read it, but somehow releasing it out into the world usually makes me feel better. I might sit with this for a little while before I make that decision.

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Ok here we go. I am going to throw this out there today, but I have to add on that since I wrote this out this morning, I have talked with my hubby and we have a date tonight to try (again!) to get on the same page with each other and reconnect so that we can try and be there for each other during the this frenetic and somewhat overwhelming time. We both truly are excited about the birth of this baby. I am ready to get to those sleepless nights with a baby in my arms and although I know it will take some time to adjust to the newness for everyone involved... I for one am ready to get started on this new adventure!!
I also wanted to add in that I feel amazingly well physically still. I know what a blessing it is to not have all the discomforts of past pregnancies and if I wasn't such an emotional mess I think that I could go on being pregnant for another few weeks pretty easily.(that is of course a possibility so I should be careful saying so!!)
I have re-read everything over once again and it still makes me cry, but I have to say it is an amazing thing to purge some of your fears and worries out of your heart. I feel much better just giving those hard feelings some air. Thank you for indulging my need to release and thank you for bearing with me as I go through all the ups and downs of this crazy transitional period!

Today I am thankful that I have this outlet for some of my crazy. It helps give me perspective and see what I need to do to help myself get back on track.
(in this case seeing that I need to reach out to the one person who can truly help me through this.... I hope it works!)

I am grateful that the waiting will end soon one way or another and I will have my darling new little person in my arms!! I'm ready!